Willpower
by Millijana
Summary: The assault in London had begun. Kaidan had lost track of Shepard. He had to find her whatever it may cost. In the middle of a chaos he was trying to find a single woman.


He just ran. He had to jump over rubble and… corpses - of men and women he knew. All killed by the Reapers around them, appearing out of nowhere.

He fired his gun without looking, but since none of them had reached him yet, he had hit at least some of them.

He heard screams around him. Both human and alien, and the terrifying screams of those Asari Reapers – Banshees; the humans called them after those mystic creatures that would kill anybody who heard their screams. He had always found that fitting.

He was desperately scanning the battlefield - to which the way towards the beam up to the Citadel had changed into. She had been right in front of him at the beginning of their assault.

But then Harbinger had arrived and killed hundreds of good soldiers within seconds.

Somehow she had managed not to be hit by its laser, at least until two minutes ago. Kaidan had lost her some time before and had been trying to shorten the distance between them ever since.

He had screamed her name out of reflex, when she had been hit by Harbinger's laser.

Not Shepard, her real name. He barely ever used it. Especially never in public, just in those very rare and very intimate moments shared between the two of them. Now he was more than desperate, he was panicked. Something that was even rarer than those intimate moments.

His radio was useless. Nothing more than hissing and random words or parts of sentences reached his ear, none of them very helpful or reassuring.

He saw other soldiers dying while he just tried to survive. He heard the order to retreat.

The orders were to retreat back to the base. But he didn't turn around. He didn't even hesitate. He had to find her; she could still be alive, needing his help.

He stumbled over a stone, or a foot, he didn't know, and didn't even care.

"It is quite incorrect of you to disobey an order, Major." He heard a voice yelling through the sounds around them.

Kaidan turned his head and saw the familiar face of Garrus. He had spent a lot of time with the Turian until now, so he saw that he was kind of smiling, if you could call it that.

Kaidan didn't answer. It was simply not necessary. They both knew they wouldn't go back. They both loved the woman they were looking for, just in different ways. Shepard was Garrus' idol. He would go through hell for her, like she would for him. They were like very odd looking twins, the same strange kind of humor, and this dry way of talking about important things.

Kaidan knew that Garrus had been taking care of all concerns for Shepard, while she had been sitting by the bed of an unconscious Kaidan, holding his hand, whispering entreaties why he had to come back, why he had to fight.

Kaidan had seen the vids. He was curious who had visited while he had been out. So he had used his new Spectre status to get access to those vid files.

He first had thought it was an illusion that there were darker spots on the blanket beneath her head and wetness on her cheeks.

He had to enlarge the picture to be sure. It had left an awkward feeling in his stomach. He was not sure what to think about it with his heart pounding.

He had not been able to resist the urge to touch the screen, touch her. His fingers had moved over her back, her hair and her hands like he could comfort her that way and take away a bit of that pain he had brought upon her.

He had never seen her cry before. Just once there had been a situation where she had come close. It had been after talking to that girl from Mindoir – Shepard's home planet.

With clenched teeth and a petrified gaze she had turned around. He and Ash had been near enough to hear every word she had told the girl. With her own memories she had convinced the girl to take the sedative. He could still feel how it had pulled at his heartstrings, to hear from her struggle to leave the experiences behind her and not fall apart because of them. When she had walked beside him he had seen that only pure willpower would be keeping her from falling to pieces.

That was her way to deal with things that got in her way and endangered her goal. Her pure will made her overcome all complications.

But that time, when he had been lying in that bed, she hadn't been able do anything. It hadn't been within her power to cure him.

It had reminded him of what had once been between them, and that he probably had been wrong. And that he still loved her. No matter what had happened.

They reached the position where he had last seen her. A sign with his hand and Garrus knew what he had to do now. They took some steps in opposite directions and started walking in a circle, their gaze kept on the outside, back to back.

Kaidan used his omnitool to scan the area he was observing for any life signs. He knew he could probably miss her if her life signs were too low, but it was better than starting to turn every stone in the area. Which he would probably start doing, should he not be able to find her. No chance to leave her here! Even if… this time... no he could not think about it. There was still hope.

He saw blood on the floor; someone had stood up and walked towards the white beam. That can't be. She would not… he shook his head – sure she would.

The Radio was still hissing. He muted it. No need to hear that any more. He followed the line of blood with his eyes. There were bigger spots between small ones. Lots of small ones.

He took some unsteady steps along the line of blood.

He took a deep breath. He had to find her, no matter in what state she was. No matter how much he feared the worst. He felt his hands trembling. He clenched his fists, one still held up, with the omnitool activated, the other still with the weapon in his hand. His fingers gripped hard around the handle of his weapon. He felt a trembling in his Biotics as well. It was this little tingling that flooded through him whenever he had a bad feeling. This time it was worse than ever.

He gritted his teeth. There were so many things that he wanted to tell her, so many things he wanted to experience with her. He couldn't think straight. He once again felt like on Alchera, when he had realized that she hadn't been in that escape pod. Everything had gone black around him, when they had opened the door of the escape pod and pulled Joker out of it. When everything had gone silent, except his own question, where she was, and Joker's answer. It had been an answer that had broken his whole world. Everything he had hoped for, he had dreamt of. He still could feel the agony that had taken the numbness's place after they had been picked up.

He knew that he was on the edge of losing himself in that fear, those memories, but he hadn't lied to her. He could not bear to lose her again.

He heard gun shots from the direction her blood was leading to. That woke him up. Suddenly he was overcome with excitement. Maybe his fear was not real, not yet, not if he stopped hesitating and losing himself in memories.

He turned is head to look for Garrus. He needed to know what Kaidan had found, and what might be happening right now.

He already took his breath to call for the Turian, but then stopped, when he saw Garrus already standing behind him, staring at the blood trail as well.

"Right behind you, Major," was his dry answer to Kaidan's gaze.

Kaidan just nodded. Right now he wasn't in the right frame of mind for this. He could just think of one thing right now. The gun shots had stopped. That could mean two things. Panic flooded him once again.

Once more he renewed his grip on his weapon and started running.

The fighting sounds around them were trailing off, but he forbade himself to think about the reasons for this. He just thought about his task. The task he had given himself and that he would finish with the same willpower she would have shown. He owed her that. He owed her more than that; much more.

His omnitool blinked. Just a small spot, very slow, very small, but it was there. His heart pounded hard in his chest as he moved towards that pounding spot.

He was near; probably just a few more meters, hidden behind some rubble, he would find her.

No matter what… suddenly there was nothing. The spot had vanished from his omnitool. He stopped and held his breath, shook his arm with the omnitool. It had to be a mistake. This couldn't be real. She had just been there a few moments ago.

He started running towards the place he remembered the tiny spot that had shown her position.

"No, no. You can do this. Fight. C'mon!" he swore under his breath, not knowing if he talked to himself or to her. His world started to crumble around the edges, slowly but constant. He fought against it. He had to function right now.

He saw a boot, strange but still familiar. He threw a glance to his omnitool. There were still no life signs. He closed his eyes. He plead silently, that this couldn't be happening right now.

He lost his balance over a stone, landing hard on his knees and palms. His eyes popped open and the first thing he saw was her. She laid there still, no movement, no life. There was just her body, covered with what was once her armor. Broken. Molten. Incomplete. Parts of her body that should be protected by the thick ceramic plates were covered with blood, dirt and bad burns.

It seemed a miracle that she had made it that far. He exhaled shakily; sitting on his heels, lifting his hand to cover is eyes. He couldn't look at her. He couldn't bear the view of her corpse. It ripped him apart just to think of it. To face the truth that he was too late. She died alone – once again, he hadn't been at her side, hadn't been there for her.

A sound – a gasp - reached his ear. "Kaidan…"

His eyes opened wide and he stared in her direction. Did he just imagine it, or did she really say his name moments ago? Did her chest really move with steady breaths?

He stopped thinking and crawled to her side as fast as he could. "I'm here, Ronja." He could barely speak with all those emotions rushing through his body.

Their eyes met and she looked at him like he was a miracle. "You... how..?" Her voice was hoarse and faint.

"It doesn't matter, I'm here, Ron." He didn't care if Garrus was there, if anyone was there. She was alive, that was all that mattered.

She coughed and tried to speak again, but he interrupted her. "Shht, we'll get you out of here. Then we will talk." He barely remembered that he could do more than just sit here. He did a quick scan with his omnitool and learned that there were some broken bones, a lot of skin damage through burns and scratches, two shots. No severe internal damage. She could live through this if they got help very fast.

One glance at Garrus was enough to make him get the facts. The Turian nodded and then started to get a secure radio channel to headquarters.

Kaidan turned back to Shepard. Her eyes still lingered on him. "I didn't think I would see you again", she said hoarsely.

While he took out his medigel he wasn't able to tear his eyes away from hers. He smiled reassuringly. "So was I. But from now on I will be there whenever you open your eyes."

She smiled with a pained expression. "Promise?"

"If you promise it, too." He knew there was still the possibility for her to die. But he also knew when she had something to stick to she would use all of her willpower to make it come true.

Her features became soft and he thought that he could see her eyes glisten with unshed tears. "I will."

He smiled. "So will I."


End file.
